@markedly

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

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@isaaaa

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

@x_freckles_o

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

@ThatMummyLife

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

@joeljeffrey

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.