My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Its a hippotatomus
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
the #horror is real!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.