My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.