My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
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stop
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*