My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.