My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention