@Book_Krazy Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
@CafeinatedBacon My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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@Book_Krazy 
@LizGB Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
@jonnysun i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
@XplodingUnicorn Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
@JohnLyonTweets I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
@LoveNLunchmeat People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
@KalvinMacleod ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
@WholesomeMeme 
@UncleDuke1969 “I took care of your clown problem.”
@bourgeoisalien don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good