My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
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ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.