@CafeinatedBacon

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

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@Book_Krazy

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

@LizGB

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

@jonnysun

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

@JohnLyonTweets

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

@LoveNLunchmeat

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

@bourgeoisalien

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good