My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”