My therapist after every session
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
This is my bus stop.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.