my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Breaking news:
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.