my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”