My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny


GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually


that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”


Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so


An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.


Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess


Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.


Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.


If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”


Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.