My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.