My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
next question.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday