My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
True freaking story!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.