@DrunjAF

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@Swishergirl24

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@rickkondell

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

@EJGomez

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT