My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi