My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Oops
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
my favorite genre of twitter
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.