My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Would you wear it?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.