My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
-six beers please
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Retweet to save a life.
me: can i be frank for a sec
frank: thank you
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants