My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks