My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
channeling her this year
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?