My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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Weirdly Wednesday.
The devil.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.