My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I’m calling the cops.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies