My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
they really do be looking like this
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Is this a threat?