My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
This took me a second..
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics