My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.