“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
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Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
These are too funny not to post 😂
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.