My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
You Might Also Like
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.