My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away