My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.