My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.