My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
You Might Also Like
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn鈥檛 melted, like everyone else鈥檚?
ME: Because it鈥檚 made from leftover mashed potato son.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Sing it!
Don鈥檛 even THINK about 鈥渉oney鈥漣ng me if you鈥檝e shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Always 馃ゴ
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[at work]
me in my 20鈥檚: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don鈥檛 eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no鈥he took my yamaha?
cop:
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”