My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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I enjoy a good short stor
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.