@oneawkwardmom

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

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@myconfusedface

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@IamEnidColeslaw

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

@DartsBofficial

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

@WilliamAder

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.