My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.