My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?


The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.


if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”


Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.


I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.


“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool


Twitter: You already tweeted that.