My time has come.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
This has made my week.
Only a mother’s love …
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.