my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
definitely did not do anything wrong
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My favorite farside!!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers