My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
The smoothest fall of all time
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The little toadstool has spoken.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.