My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
are they though??
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is