My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
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*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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