My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?