My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet