My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”