My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
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It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I triple waxed for this?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING