My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Muppet Screams
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
So that’s what we looked like?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Only a mother’s love …