My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
prepare for carbonated trouble
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”