My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
😂😂
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Damn he played himself
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.