My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes