My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
This could be us… but you playing
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want