My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes