My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?