My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism