My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.